Chris Kirkland speaks on how addiction to painkillers saw him close to committing suicide, and it’s a big problem in football.
The former goalkeeper battled the addiction after suffering with back problems during his career, with depression eventually kicking in.
Kirkland has opened up on the moment that he stood on the edge of the roof of Bury’s pre-season base in Portugal back on July the 4th 2016.
His addiction caused him to suffer hallucinations, hyperventilate and deepened his anxiety – and was just a step away from taking his own life.
I’m Chris Kirkland I’ve been addicted to Painkillers for 10 years ,big thanks to @henrywinter for doing this article hope it helps ,click on the link https://t.co/M6YFr6JA2D @walkingsbrill and thanks to all my friends and family who are getting me through it especially my Wife Xx pic.twitter.com/KHxbdzHqAv
— Chris Kirkland (@ChrisKirkland43) July 21, 2022
“I just did not want to live.”
“I’d had enough… I was stood on the roof and I was going to jump.”
“To stay in recovery you need the truth out there, you must be honest.”@ChrisKirkland43 bravely opens up about his painkiller addiction battle and his thoughts about suicide 🙏 pic.twitter.com/y3jbGCIhQL
— talkSPORT (@talkSPORT) July 21, 2022
Kirkland though said it was the thought of his wife Leeona, and 15-year-old daughter Lucy, who prevented him.
He said: ‘I was going to jump but I felt (Kirkland’s wife) Leeona and (daughter) Lucy pulling me back from afar.’
Kirkland went on to battle with the addiction over the coming years, and has opened up on his struggles following an incident earlier this year which he described as the most ‘horrendous experience’ in his life.
In his interview, he has also stated that his problem his struggles are widespread in football.
It was a month after his incident while at the Shakers, he released a statement saying he needed ‘time and space’ away from the game, and has not played a match since.
The problems continued until February 2022, when the 41-year-old said he ordered some painkillers off the internet from India, didn’t know what was in them, and within two minutes of taking them he didn’t know who he was.
He said: ‘It was the most horrendous experience I’ve ever had in my life. I was violently ill, went to bed and next morning I went out to the car and tipped them all down the drain.
‘I thought ‘you’ve got to get off these or you’re going to kill yourself’.’
Kirkland went to the Parkland Place rehabilitation centre in Wales where he endured a detox in which he described as the ‘worst week’ of his life, and how his wife Leeona stopped him from the temptation of taking tablets.
“I took them and,” he recalls a time he took them, “I thought I was going to die. I just didn’t know who I was. I couldn’t remember where home was. I only got home because I put ‘home’ into the sat-nav, and it was already preset, otherwise I don’t know where I would’ve ended up. I got home … then I was violently sick. I slept for about 18 hours. I woke up, got the tablets out of the car and flushed them straight down the toilet.”
The goalkeeper struggled with back problems since a training session at Liverpool, coming during a leapfrog routine where a team-mate jumped over him.
It was around the 2009-10 season with Wigan where he started suffering painful back spasms, and by his second season at Sheffield Wednesday in 2013, he had been taking painkillers every day.
Kirkland was taking 2,500 milligrams of Tramadol a day when at the Owls, way above the recommended dose of 400 milligrams a day.
He knew he was in trouble in 2013, a few months into a three-year contract at Sheffield Wednesday, when tablets took hold after his mental health nosedived and depression kicked in. He’d develop sneaky habits – hiding supplies in his car or sock drawer – helping conceal his addiction. “I’d ring the doctors: ‘I’ve lost them, I need some more,’” he says. “I’d get them off the internet, any way I could. There were times I was meant to be at places and I’d not be in the right frame of mind or taken too many tablets and I’d have to ring and say ‘I’ve had a puncture’ or other excuses and not turn up, which is terrible.”
Leeona visited his GP with him and told them never to prescribe painkillers. “The postman knows not to give me any letters or parcels,” Kirkland says, “because I was buying them off the internet. Now he knows never to give me anything, so it always goes to Leeona. We’ve put things in place to hopefully prevent it from happening again.”
Kirkland shakes his head at how his decision-making became skewed. “You’re not meant to take any more than 400mg a day of tramadols and I was on 2,500mg a day,” he says, almost in disbelief. “In the end they don’t work, they just mess you up, mentally. You kid yourself thinking: ‘I’ll stop next week, I’ll stop next week.’ I had a couple of really bad incidents where I took 10 or 12 of them, so over 2,000mg, and I was hallucinating in the house. I had heart palpitations, was in and out of consciousness. That made me stop for a few days because I thought: ‘I’m going to kill myself here.’ But then the addiction kicks in, your body craves it, you get the aches and pains and you know that if you take them, they’ll go away. I didn’t want to speak to people and it made it very difficult for Leeona and Lucy in the house. Without them I wouldn’t be here, simple as that.”
On if his back was worse because he has steered clear of medication to ease the pain? “Do you know what,” he says, “it’s probably better. The painkillers will say: ‘You’re really sore, really sore, take me and you’ll be fine’ and, upstairs, that is what it does to you. I would love to play golf every day but I can’t, because it would be agony. I can’t do road runs because of the pounding, but I can walk. I can go out on the bike. I can’t lift weights. I know exactly what I can and can’t do.”
In a video on his Twitter page, he said: ‘I was on painkillers for eight-and-a-half of those ten years, ended up in rehab. This is the real reason.
‘It’s been a horrendous time for me but also the girls. Leeona and Lucy they’ve had their husband and their dad but I’ve not been there, they’ve messed me up completely.
‘I feel fantastic as we stand. I went cold turkey and got off them five months ago. Leeona was incredible she was checking on me on every night. Any story you hear about cold turkey it’s true, it was a horrendous week but she was an absolute diamond.
‘This is the third time I’ve got off them and hopefully I’ll stay off them. I’ve got things set up now which I should have set up second time. Telling friends, telling people, I feel like a fraud at times as I didn’t tell the truth.
‘Obviously it’s affected my mental health massively and need it out there. I’m sure it will resonate with some people unfortunately.
‘If there’s anything I can do to help, you can do it, but you can’t do it on your own you need to ask for help.’
He adds that other players have contacted him admitting they are on painkillers, suggesting that players get in-house testing, as like Kirkland, they could get painkillers outside the club.
He said: ‘There will still be players that won’t come out and say anything because they might be scared of the repercussions. There are players that are on appearance bonuses, and if they don’t play they don’t get paid — not so much at the top level but League One, League Two. People have mortgages to pay.
‘For me, painkillers should be just completely stripped away at clubs. Is it realistic? If not then there needs to be measures in place that if someone’s asking for them regularly, that’s when clubs have to say ‘have you got a problem?’
In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123, or email jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie. Alternatively you can visit samaritans.org to find your nearest branch.
‘I took them and … I thought I was going to die. I just didn’t know who I was. I couldn’t remember where home was.’
Chris Kirkland talks to @benfisherj about his addiction to painkillers and the steps he has taken to tackle it https://t.co/KiS3BPUOh6
— James Dart (@James_Dart) July 21, 2022
There was plenty of reaction as Chris Kirkland speaks on how addiction to painkillers saw him close to committing suicide…
@lagom_mind: Hi Chris, well done for speaking about this it’ll help so many people. I’ve suffered with chronic pain and depression and reading the article helped me. I was wondering if you’d like to come on our mental health podcast to talk about it?
@SkyBlueFansTV1: Very brave of you to share this publicly 💙💙💙💙
@robinminshull: Well done keep going
@kyle_1403: YNWA ♥️
@akagavlar: Absolute legend kirky, keep up the good work pal.
@mummygigi: Well done Chris . As always your honesty will help so many others and as you say, by putting this out there you are giving yourself the best opportunity to succeed. You got this 👏🏼
@Pete2482: Fair play Chris. Very brave being so public about it. Sure with decent support around you, you’ll be good in the long run.
@Liverbird51: Well done Chris really admire your bravery in talking about this. You’re such a nice guy I really hope everything goes well for you from now on 👌
@RobLeighton67: Take care, Kirky lad – stay well! #YNWA
@grantjessop83: I’m currently on 30mg codine 3 times a day for a very sore back. I thought I was being smart not taking them during the day and taking them all at once at night to give me a better sleep. Now I just try to take 2 every other night. It’s so easy to get hooked
@nima_maj: Really sorry to read this Chris. Us fans are guilty of forgetting that players are not robots. They have struggles like the rest of us. Thay clause in Sheffield Wednesdays contract is a disgrace. Had no idea that was a thing. Big love to you and your family
@SJS2310: Fair play to you Chris. Keep going in the right direction fella.
@sawatkiss: One of footballs good ones. Massive respect for him.
@Ben_Wilson85: Stay strong @ChrisKirkland43, takes a lot for a man to admit this in 2022. Well done. 👍

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